doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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