I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
