I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
