You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
