I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
