Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
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I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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