Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
