you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
