Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
