You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
