..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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