he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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