I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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