Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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