so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
