today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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