in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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