question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
