I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
