If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
