2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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