can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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