We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
