Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
