My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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