Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere