Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
