saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
