I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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