Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
