Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
