so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
