I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
