At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
