Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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