Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.