After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome