That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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