The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
