imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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