Just cropdusted the office
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
