I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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