Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
