I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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