dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
