Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I intend to get homeless drunk
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
