Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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