i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
