then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
