I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
