I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
