Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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