Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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