How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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