she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
