Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
