I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
