she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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