You can't special order awesome
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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