You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
